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During the day we discussed our thoughts and feelings, our inhibitions, our strengths, but more often than not we did nothing.When you’re forced to sit and think about yourself for hours on end, you go through four stages of existence.Everything I had believed myself to be was gone in 30 minutes. Almost immediately after the rape I flew off to California, got lost in the beauty of the redwoods, the phenomenal art, and meeting the most unique people I’d ever beheld. I broke down and for the next several months, he won. I imagined new rapists hiding behind every shower curtain and potted plant.I blocked the rape from my mind and tried to convince myself that it hadn’t happened; that it couldn’t have happened. One week before I was supposed to fly back East, everything rushed over and consumed me. I spent most of my spring semester an emotional wreck. I bandaged the situation by throwing myself into more work and by resolutely refusing to acknowledge that I was anything but well adjusted.In February twisted fate decided that I had to work with him on a fundraiser. I was continuously told that I had to forgive him, that I was crazy for being scared on campus, and that there was nothing that could be done.They told me: We can report your rape as a statistic, you know for records, but I don’t recommend that you go through a disciplinary hearing.Over the past four days, I had yet to touch upon “what I was in for,” my story was a mystery to everyone around me. In the middle of my stimulating conversation my harried looking social worker suddenly strode into the dining room and headed purposefully over to me. “They’re trying to prevent you from going back.” I was shocked.As my fellow patients went around the circle it all suddenly clicked. She began rattling off the Administration’s policy regarding students released from psychiatric care. I had an emotional breakdown because I didn’t feel safe and felt harassed on their campus.

They’ll get you some drugs and they’ll make you feel happy again…If you don’t willingly enter we’ll have a judge issue a court order legally forcing you to stay there. Doctors and Nurse Practitioners wondered around the bare hallways checking in on myself and my fellow patients—every fifteen minutes they recorded where we were, what we were doing, and whether we looked happy.

Stage 1: Hysteria—Characterized by denying that anything is wrong, “I’m perfectly fine” and “I don’t belong here,” are common phrases during this stage.

Stage 2: Numb and Ornery—You have finally realized that something is wrong with you, but you are overwhelmed and confused about how to go about fixing your problem. Stage 3: Determination—You realize that the only way you’re allowed to leave the Ward is if you “get better” and “solve your problems.” Every fiber of your being thus goes into these two tasks. My Enlightenment occurred when I least expected it.

“I should just drink darkroom developer or something…” Twenty minutes later campus police was escorting me into an ambulance.

They were even less understanding: There’s something seriously wrong with you; you’re not healthy and normal right now. You HAVE to go, but don’t worry, you won’t have to be there too long. Amherst cares about you and wants you to get better.

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Hours locked in a room with him and being called a liar about being raped?

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